Christmas Cards From G Unit

It’s the holiday season and the rap world celebrates too! Last night was Yule Prog, an annual holiday rap show hosted by Uncommon Nasa and Backwoods Studios. Always a well attended event with a great line-up. And we've gotten a few Christmas cards from (married) rappers as well. Turns out they sign their real names on Christmas cards. But the best card still has to be from G Unit. Yes, the actual rap group. Before Paul went freelance, he used to manage a major recording studio in Manhattan and apparently got on G Unit’s Christmas card list.

This card should come with a parental advisory warning. But it’s so ridiculous, that I just can’t take it seriously. The cover of the card features the group holding guns and standing around a bloodied and bruised Santa with the caption “Violent Night”. 50 Cent looms over Santa wearing a jacket decorated with skulls and phrases like “war machine” and “built for war”. And then randomly between the Christmas tree in the background and the wrapped present in the foreground… there is a busted TV? I can’t figure out why it’s there.

The interior message is a reworked version of the Twelve Days of Christmas lyrics. G Unit style, of course: “12 careers ended, 11 million sold, 10 cases beat, 9 more million sold, 8 Rolls Royce Phantoms, 7 clips full, 6 brown paper bags, 5 years on top, 4 hundred million, 3 mansions deep, 2 guns tucked, and only 1 Ferarri F 50”. Definitely better than a bunch of turtledoves and pipers piping.

And then when I thought it couldn't get any better, I flipped to the back of the card- a Christmas tree with logos and handguns as the ornaments and with police tape and ammunition clips as the garlands. But the best part is the caption: “Have a safe holiday season!”. In case you were confused by all the weaponry and references to violence, G Unit still wants to remind you to be safe.

We couldn't get enough of it. It’s so disturbing and hilarious and way too amazing to ever throw away. So Paul hung it on his wall of rap memorabilia in his studio.

Also, I think we've been decorating our Christmas tree all wrong. Next year, we’re getting gats.

Starring Paul as Black Santa

The staff at Greenlight loved helping
with our scavenger hunt

My sister has been planning a “surprise day” as her Christmas present to me, Paul and two of her closest friends for months now. This Saturday, we all met at Maria’s apartment (except for Paul who had another assignment) and she revealed that we were going on a scavenger hunt through Brooklyn. Maria LOVES planning these kinds of things. We, on the other hand, may have been a little skeptical. 

She gave us the first of our clues (which were all written in rhyme by the way) that led us to Brooklyn Kolache Co. where we had kolaches and our next clue waiting for us. From there we went to Greenlight Bookstore where we received books, and then to Green Grape where we picked up wine. The next clue led us to my apartment where we found Paul dressed as Santa Claus. Oh yes. Full suit, beard and stuffed belly. It was amazing. He even did a santa voice.

Check out the kicks on Santa /
Lenore wants to know who the
hell this guy is

Since Paul had agreed to the Santa suit on condition that he didn’t have to go into public, he changed back into regular clothes to join us as we finished the hunt. The last clue led us to one of our favorite bars, Crown Inn, where the bartender had our drink order ready to go. After drinks, we headed back to Maria’s apartment where we knew to expect a nice homemade dinner. But what we weren’t expecting was a roomful of our closest friends too. It was the best surprise to come into after what ended up being an amazing day full of surprises.

It was a great Saturday, but the scavenger hunt took us all over Brooklyn. We walked from Crown Heights to BedSty to Clinton Hill to Fort Greene to Prospect Heights and back to Crown Heights. So Sunday we stayed in and took it easy. And Paul, having found that the Santa pants were actually quite comfortable, now has a new pair of pants that he wears around the house.

Kitchen Evacuation - Discovering Carol Bove

Paul had rappers in the kitchen this Saturday, which meant a kitchen evacuation for me. Paul is producing Corina Corina’s sophomore album, The Freeway, and she had a rapper come in to record a guest verse. The album is really coming along, but she’s asking for a little financial help through an indiegogo campaign.

It’s hard for artists. It’s not exactly a financially sound career path. But could you imagine a world where no new music or paintings or books were created? It would be horrible! Everyone benefits from artists taking risks and pursuing their passions. Most of my artist friends work several jobs just so they can do what they love. It’s definitely not the easy route. So if you make good money and can afford to invest in an indie artist you admire, do it!

Since I had to clear out of the kitchen for the afternoon, I went with a few friends to the High Line in Manhattan to check out the art walk ‘Caterpillar’. The artist Carol Bove has seven site specific sculptures on view along the last stretch of High Line that is still untouched and overgrown.

The sculptures were made out of I-beams and powder-coated steel. The I-beam sculptures have rusted from exposure and resemble their dilapidated train track environment, while the powder-coated steel ones are a shiny, crisp white that stand in stark contrast to the setting. I liked that Bove included pieces that appear to be relics of the train line, reminding viewers of it’s history, as well as futuristic looking sculptures that address it’s imminent fate as the High Line.

This final section is planned to open in 2014, when it will look like the rest of the well-groomed High Line. So even if you’re not that into the art, it’s still pretty cool to get up and see what the tracks look like after thirty years of neglect. The tours are free. And for that great price, you get an art tour and a sneak peek at NYC's history.

Kitchen Renovations

This past Saturday, Paul and I made the trek to Home Depot to get supplies for some home renovations. Between the wedding gifts, living in a NYC apartment, and me being a quasi-hoarder, it was time to clear out our crowded kitchen and make our closets more efficient.

I should have taken a ‘before’ picture of the closet. It consisted of precariously stacked plastic drawers and milk crates. It was my attempt at makeshift shelving, and it was pretty bootleg. Since we rent, I never wanted to invest much in home improvement projects. But we’ve been here for almost five years, and I don’t see us moving out anytime soon, so I figured it was time to put in a little work.

The curtain to my room.

Honestly, I’m just happy we have closets. My first apartment in Brooklyn was a loft where the previous tenants had unprofessionally installed the bedroom walls. Because of pipes along the ceiling, they didn’t build them all the way up, so we were basically living in cubicles. No doors either, just curtains. And of course, no closets. I built a shelving unit into my wall, but not knowing what I was doing, I didn’t use anchors. The whole thing pulled out and toppled onto my bed while I slept that night. A terrifying way to wake up. So when Paul and I found our current place, the number of closets (there are six!) was one of the selling points.

A thing of beauty!

The closet renovation really is amazing though. It took up our whole Saturday and we joked about how middle-aged we felt, but it was seriously satisfying to declutter and organize. The closet is now a pantry, linen closet, and bathroom vanity all rolled into one. Every time I walk by the closet, I stop to open it and sigh as I admire.

Prem stopped by over the weekend, and I proudly showed him the closet and solicited compliments on how much cleaner the kitchen looked. By default, the kitchen is an improved space for rappers too. If Paul had his way, he would have expanded and turned the closet into a vocal booth, which I think the rappers might have preferred. But I won’t let Paul take any of the closets away from me. They are too precious.

A Rappers in My Kitchen Baked Goods Special

I hosted my annual pumpkin carving party this weekend. I have a childlike love for the holidays and all the cheesy traditions that go along with them. Since Paul has zero interest in holiday activities, I started having friends over several years ago to carve pumpkins with me. He appeases me at Christmas time, but I’m on my own for the minor holidays. It turns out I have enough friends who love holiday traditions too, cause last year I peaked at a dozen people coming over to carve pumpkins.

And, of course, what’s a Halloween party without Fall treats? I always bake and make spiked cider, but everyone brings homemade goodies too. This year there were so many baked desserts that we couldn’t even come close to finishing them all. This means that there is an insane amount of calories sitting on my kitchen table right now. I have so many leftovers, I could have set up a bake sale on my stoop.

So I have a Rappers In My Kitchen special to offer: UNLIMITED access to the baked goods when you book time with Paul this week. You should even take to-go what you can carry. The menu consists of: pumpkin cheesecake, apple cider donuts, apple caramel pie, spice cake, brownies, pumpkin cake with cream cheese icing, apple crisp, and puppy chow. Paul doesn’t actually have too much free time left this week, so act fast! This offer won’t last long! But seriously, if you wanna help me not gain a thousand pounds this week, I implore you to book a session.

Oh and take a look at our pumpkins past and present. They're pretty cute.

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SACOOO!

I was recently at a show where up-and-coming rapper, Milo, performed. He had a nice write-up in LA Weekly over the summer, and I was super surprised to read that he’s originally from Saco, Maine. For years, I went on this annual canoe/camp trip on the Saco River with a group of friends.

I hadn’t been in a while, but my sister, Paul and I decided to revive the Saco trip this past July with fifteen of our more adventurous friends. There were a few semi-seasoned campers, but we had a solid percentage of first-timers. I got many emails before the trip asking me to clarify the ‘bathroom situation’. Our two born-and-bred New Yorkers didn’t even know how to swim! I can’t believe they agreed to be confined to a canoe for two days. I wish I had footage of Keisha wading in the river repeating “I’m in nature, I’m in nature…”.

It really isn’t that strenuous though. We tie our canoes together and float as a giant canoe raft for the first few hours. It’s a nice way to start, and it makes passing beers way easier. The only difficult part of the trip is carrying the canoes around the dam. Incredibly inconvenient, but pretty cute to see all these jaded New Yorkers get their camp counselor on and work together to get it done. Teamwork at its finest. At one point, even our resident smart-ass Matt was clapping his hands and saying motivational stuff like “dig your heels in, we’ve got this!”.

I had also forgotten about the frat party that is Saco. The beaches are lined with flip cup tables, people shout “SACOOOO” at every passerby, and mottos like “drink ‘em and sink ‘em” originated there. The newest bro catchphrase on the river was “dump ‘em out”. Seriously. It took us ladies a minute to figure out what that even meant. Naturally, I googled it when I got home and learned two interesting facts. One: the Saco River is in the Urban Dictionary. Two: that charming catchphrase was another Saco River original.

Since several of our friends that went on the trip are in the rap scene, there were a good number of Saco survivors at this recent show. And we may have all shouted “dump ‘em” when Milo took the stage.

eighteen New Yorkers go camping

hot dog on a stick, it's what's for dinner.

Tasty Keish & Mo Niklz do nature 

Prem does too

Indie Raps in Paradise

I’ve taken a little summer hiatus from my blog. Summer is always too chaotic and busy to have focused on blogging. Plus I started an exciting new job in July at an auction house, so it’s been even crazier. Even though Fall has hit and life’s starting to normalize, we managed to squeeze in one last adventure.

My sister works for a destination club and won ‘hostess of the year’ with her company. The reward was five free nights in any of their properties around the world. So we spent five luxurious days in a ten person villa in Turks and Caicos with our own private pool and beach. I expect her to keep up the good work and win next year as well.

We pretty much spent the entire trip by the pool. With pool floaties and an outdoor grill, fridge, and speaker system, there really was no need to stray too far. The only time we left the villa was to check out da Conch Shack. Apparently white people giggle at anything with "da" in front of it. Paul just shook his head at us. But more importantly, on Sunday afternoons da Conch Shack hosts the Hump and Bump. The Hump and Bump is supposedly a dance party on the beach, but we were disappointed to find no DJ and no humping or bumping. Maybe we were too late in the season for it, but at least we still got to feast on conch and rum punch.

da Conch Shack

Maria gets a little overzealous about planning though (she may or may not have sent us a grocery/booze list for our approval two months before the trip), so she had a playlist ready to go for our poolside listening pleasure. My sister has gotten to know a lot of the rappers Paul works with and has become a fan of their music too, so scattered throughout her playlist were quite a few indie rap joints.

Obviously, she included a number of songs off the Willie Green album, We Live In The Future, but there were also some of her faves from billy woods, Open Mike Eagle, PremRock, Angi3 and Toussaint Morrison. Turns out Prem and Green’s song, Jogger, is perfect to listen to while drinking margaritas in a pool. Who wants to jog when you can float? Our friend Ali was laying in one of the second floor balcony hammocks (yes, we had those too) and yelled down to ask who the artist was cause she liked it so much. Paul was flattered obvs. Another converted indie rap fan!

It's a funny thing to be thousands of miles from home in a tropical island paradise and suddenly have a song bring me right back to my kitchen in Brooklyn.

My Very First Rap Battle

PremRock had his birthday party this past weekend at a friend’s penthouse in South Slope. It was an awesome space, with a balcony that was possibly bigger than my whole apartment and perfect views of lower Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. Seriously stunning. I was coveting pretty hard.

Rap Battlin'

Naturally the party was chock full of rappers. But there was this random guy who was going around, cornering people, and then just rapping in their faces. It was bizarre and annoying. Throughout the night, he managed to pester most of the rappers. Until finally something amazing happened. Prem snapped and a real life RAP BATTLE went down!! Really! In real life! It was one of the best things I have ever witnessed. If I hadn't been so enthralled, I would have taken video documentation.

I’ve seen a few rap battles at shows before, but those are usually done in good fun and are prepared in advance. This was spontaneous and basically two dudes fighting via rap. Instead of fists, they used words. Imagine a rap version of the West Side Story. Amazing. Prem crushed the other kid too.

That dude. I'd like to thank the photo
bomber in the center for making my
very first rap battle happen.

I think it’s because I went to an all girls school for middle and high school, but I have actually gone through life without ever witnessing a fight. This is the closest I've come. Based on movies I've seen though, this is exactly how I expected it to look. A group of bystanders all circling the two people beefing, while laughing and prodding them on. Except, of course, this was all very non-violent.

When I mentioned that it was my first rap battle experience, everyone was surprised. Apparently this happens more often than one would think. I don’t know how I've been with Paul for so long without witnessing one yet. 

I’m pretty pleased my first rap battle was on a Brooklyn balcony against a backdrop of the city skyline though. It felt like a very perfect New York moment. I think that one day, when I finally leave this city, most of my favorite memories are going to be of nights on Brooklyn rooftops.

Fireside Raps

Last night my art world and my rap world melded together in the most interesting and bizarre of ways. I went to hear a lecture on the art of the fireplace and see a rap performance all in the same space. I attend lectures and rap shows pretty much on the regular. But I had not yet had the two combined. Until last night.

Last month, Prem told us he was going to be the first rapper to perform at the National Arts Club, a private club in Gramercy Park. Obviously, I was really intrigued. The National Arts Club was founded in 1898 to "stimulate, foster, and promote public interest in the arts and to educate the American people in the fine arts". Some of the club’s more famous members over the years have been J. Pierpont Morgan, Frederic Remington, Mark Twain, Robert Redford, three U.S. presidents, the list goes on...

Walking through the doors of this Victorian Gothic Revival building, with all its intricate woodwork, moldings, and beautiful stained glass, I had to wonder how a rapper landed a gig at one of the notable cultural landmarks of NYC. Not because I don’t think rap is culturally significant, but usually the people in charge of such clubs don’t think so. My expectations were confirmed when we entered the room and saw the crowd- a relatively older audience all wearing business attire.

Prem’s childhood friend Christian Herrmann is a stonemason who has been doing renovations at the NAC for the past year. Since he recently restored the chimney, he was asked to give a lecture on the topic of fireplaces. He did a run through on the history and evolution of the fireplace, and then showed some of his own masonry work, including time lapse photography of his restoration of the chimney. He ended with a discussion about the fireplace as a communal space where people have gathered around for hundreds of years to talk, eat, and perform.

And this is when the rap show started. Prem wrote some verses that he delivered alongside a cellist. The setting and the cello made it feel like a poetry reading, but delivered by a rapper. I was pleased to see an older gentleman in a bow tie bobbing his head to the beat. But I loved the moments where the two worlds didn't quite line up.

After he performed, in true rap club fashion, Prem asked everyone to raise their drinks for Christian. I looked around at the slightly confused older folks lifting their champagne glasses in the air, probably wondering why they weren't applauding instead. After the music ended, a member of the NAC took the lectern and clearly a bit flustered, exclaimed “Wow, that was something” before he went on to thank everyone. I’m pretty sure that was his first time seeing a rap performance ever.

It was a bit unconventional, but I actually thought it was lovely, especially in the context of the fireplace. I imagine many a distinguished person has gathered around the fireplace at the NAC to hear musicians sing and play the piano or harp or something charming like that. It’s time to break down some barriers- for both worlds. Getting to hear some fireside raps set to a cello seemed like an oddly fitting tribute to a restored 19th century fireplace in a 21st century world.

Also, I want Christian to build me a fireplace when I have a house one day. Check out his amazing portfolio.

Adventures at Spa Castle

For years, almost every single one of my lady friends and I have talked about making the trek to Spa Castle in Flushing, Queens. And finally, this past weekend, a dream came true! We went for my friend Beth’s bachelorette festivities. We imagined it to be something in between one of those cheesy all inclusive resorts (think Sandals) and a mall. It did not disappoint.

A $45 entrance fee grants you access to a four floor complex of saunas, salons, restaurants, buffets, and a rooftop of pools, including one with a swim-up bar. Of course, the food and salon services are extra, but you get these watch bands that you swipe to tally up all the charges. Totally dangerous. After obtaining our watches, going through a security checkpoint (is this normal?), and years of built up expectations, we had finally made it!

The weirdest/most hilarious part of the whole experience is the one-size-fits-all “uniforms” they force everyone to wear around the complex when not in the pools. The uniforms are knee-length, elastic waistband cotton shorts and t-shirts with “Spa Castle” on them. Or if you’re 5 feet tall like my friend Deb, the shorts are capri length. Oh and of course the women's uniforms are pink and the men's are blue. We all looked like prisoners of Spa Castle roaming from floor to floor and standing in line at the Korean buffet in our ill fitting, matching uniforms.

We spent most of the day at the rooftop pools. The pools are lined with built in chairs with massage jets, which are awesome but a little too powerful. Luckily there are handlebars to hold on to so you can stay put. And then there is also the jacuzzi that we coined the “mountain dew pool” cause of the bright neon green lights that make it look like a giant vat of bubbling mountain dew.

The pools are simultaneously super family friendly and really sleazy. In spite of the “Public Morals” signs posted around Spa Castle, which list rules like “no overt public displays of affection”, we saw many couples making out in the spa pools. There were more than a few times we suspected something was going on underneath the water that we couldn't see. The condom wrapper that floated by may have confirmed our suspicions...

Spa Castle is open 6am-12am every day, so you can really make a day of it. They even have a nap room filled with beds, which was actually at capacity when we peeked in. People really need to get their $45 worth of Spa Castle, ya know? As for us, after six hours there, we staggered out exhausted and hungover from our daiquiris at the swim up bar.

Spa Castle surpassed all my expectations. It was way more ridiculous than I could have ever imagined. Would I recommend it to others? Absolutely.

Rappers At My Wedding

One of my favorite things about the wedding photos was seeing our worlds come together and how perfectly everyone got along. Captured in the pictures was so much joy and legitimate happiness for us. While this makes sense for a wedding, you have to keep in mind that I have a conservative, Italian family who is not always so open minded. Paul and I were more than a little nervous about our families colliding catastrophically at the wedding. But instead, everyone got along seamlessly. Even racist grandma was caught beaming while holding onto the arm of Paul's cousin as she watched us cut our wedding cake. Paul and I joke that our love helped the world get a little less racist that day.

Obviously, with Paul's line of work, many of his closest friends are rappers. Considering that the older generations are not always a fan of 'that rap music', I also loved seeing pictures and hearing the stories of rappers interacting with our families. Apparently, PremRock dubbed himself "the Merrill whisperer" that night after dancing with both my mom AND my grandma. 

Going through the wedding photos, I found some of those captured moments, as well as a few other gems:

Rappers That Break It Down With Your Mom (rap name: S.Breeze)

Rappers That Wanna Know If They Can Cut In (dj name: Mo Niklz)

Rappers That Are The Merrill Whisperer (rap name: PremRock)

Rappers That Take Their Beers Seriously (rap name: Uncommon Nasa)

Rappers That Are Also Your Wedding DJ (rap name: Tah Phrum Duh Bush)

Rappers That Are Also Vikings (rap name: Pastense)

Rappers That Keep Their Identity Hidden Even In Wedding Pictures (rap name: Billy Woods)

Rappers That Schmooze With The Rents (rap name: PremRock)

Rappers That Your Mama Is Gonna Love (rap name: Pastense)

The Fanny Pack Guy At Our Wedding

Since it’s been a year, Paul and I figured we should finally choose pictures for our wedding photo album. I've put this off for so long now. This should be a fun task, but when you plan a wedding for so long and so obsessively, once it’s over, you kind of don’t want to do any more work on it.

But it’s been nice to go through the pictures again and reminisce. While doing that, we kept laughing at how many pictures we found where ‘fanny pack guy’, as we have taken to calling him, is lurking in the background. FPG was the groundskeeper for the church. He was supposed to open it up and make sure everything was set up properly, but somehow he managed to become a notorious character at our wedding.

We had a series of mishaps that led to FPG’s infamy. Everyone tells you that no matter how much you plan, there will always be things that go wrong. This is truth. The zipper on my sisters dress busted literally right before the bridesmaids were supposed to walk down the aisle. My amazing bridesmaids managed to sew her back in, but, of course, this delayed the wedding. And this is where FPG enters...

Our parents had already been escorted to their seats and the runner had just been laid down, but FPG decides to stop the organist and walk down the aisle to inform the priest of the situation. In his khaki shorts, half-tucked shirt, and fanny pack. Oh, yes. Poor Paul had that split second of wondering if he was getting stood up at the alter.

Then FPG tried to rush the ceremony. It was like a tug of war between my coordinator and FPG. He was yelling at the bridesmaids to “go” before their cues, and she was telling them “no”. In his effort to pick up the pace, he signaled the organist to start the wedding march early. So everyone in the church stands up expecting me to walk out, but it’s my sister instead.

FPG was a real jerk. He apparently made jokes to Paul and the groomsmen before the ceremony about how most marriages end in divorce. And he started to turn off the lights in the church as our guests were still leaving. Apparently FPG had places to go, and we were slowing him down.

Lessons learned: Always read product reviews. I later found numerous complaints about the bridesmaid dresses having faulty zippers. Always carry a spare needle and thread in case of emergency. And lastly, if a guy wearing a fanny pack shows up, well, you just have to roll with the punches. There’s nothing you can do when someone thinks it’s OK to wear a fanny pack at your wedding.

A Wedding Anniversary Staycation

This weekend Paul and I celebrated our first year wedding anniversary! When we chose to get married Memorial Day weekend, we didn't really consider the fact that our anniversary would forever be such an expensive weekend to travel. Oops. So we ended up doing a staycation.

In the end, we were both happy with our decision to stay here. We did touristy things in our own city. But with the perk of not actually being tourists. We went to museums and ate at restaurants we had been wanting to try.

One of the highlights was finally eating at Buttermilk Channel in Carroll Gardens, where I had lobster over squid ink pasta and Paul had duck meatloaf. They’re known for their fried chicken and cheddar waffles. And if lobster hadn't been the special for the night (I just love it so damn much), that’s what I had my heart set on ordering. Looks like we just have to go back.

For our actual anniversary, we went to Tom Colicchio’s restaurant, Riverpark, in the city. It overlooks the East River (and by default the FDR), so it has beautiful views of the river and Long Island City. Octopus for the appetizer, bacon wrapped prawns for me, and rabbit for Paul. His dish was basically the whole rabbit- including the kidney and tiny, tiny little rabbit ribs. They were so cute. And delicious. Since it was our anniversary, the waitress surprised us with chocolate mousse with a liquid chocolate center for dessert. It doesn't get much better.

Although we stayed here, we made it feel like a real vacation. We ordered the fancy $12 cocktails when we went out and even took cabs a few times. What luxury! Paul even managed to not be a workaholic and stayed out of the studio the whole weekend. When you live in NYC, sometimes you forget that this city is a destination for other people. Every now and then, we really do need to take a weekend to enjoy what we have right here.