Christmas Cards From G Unit

It’s the holiday season and the rap world celebrates too! Last night was Yule Prog, an annual holiday rap show hosted by Uncommon Nasa and Backwoods Studios. Always a well attended event with a great line-up. And we've gotten a few Christmas cards from (married) rappers as well. Turns out they sign their real names on Christmas cards. But the best card still has to be from G Unit. Yes, the actual rap group. Before Paul went freelance, he used to manage a major recording studio in Manhattan and apparently got on G Unit’s Christmas card list.

This card should come with a parental advisory warning. But it’s so ridiculous, that I just can’t take it seriously. The cover of the card features the group holding guns and standing around a bloodied and bruised Santa with the caption “Violent Night”. 50 Cent looms over Santa wearing a jacket decorated with skulls and phrases like “war machine” and “built for war”. And then randomly between the Christmas tree in the background and the wrapped present in the foreground… there is a busted TV? I can’t figure out why it’s there.

The interior message is a reworked version of the Twelve Days of Christmas lyrics. G Unit style, of course: “12 careers ended, 11 million sold, 10 cases beat, 9 more million sold, 8 Rolls Royce Phantoms, 7 clips full, 6 brown paper bags, 5 years on top, 4 hundred million, 3 mansions deep, 2 guns tucked, and only 1 Ferarri F 50”. Definitely better than a bunch of turtledoves and pipers piping.

And then when I thought it couldn't get any better, I flipped to the back of the card- a Christmas tree with logos and handguns as the ornaments and with police tape and ammunition clips as the garlands. But the best part is the caption: “Have a safe holiday season!”. In case you were confused by all the weaponry and references to violence, G Unit still wants to remind you to be safe.

We couldn't get enough of it. It’s so disturbing and hilarious and way too amazing to ever throw away. So Paul hung it on his wall of rap memorabilia in his studio.

Also, I think we've been decorating our Christmas tree all wrong. Next year, we’re getting gats.

The Rap Wives Club

I was at a rap show with Paul last week and I didn't see too many of the usuals. I've gotten to the point where I can walk in and recognize quite a number of people, so it was weird to see such a different crowd. This made me realize how far along I've come in Paul’s world. I used to feel totally out of place. It was a community where I had nothing to contribute. For the most part, I only attended shows when Paul performed. But now I actually look forward to shows like Yule Prog- a large, well-attended, annual holiday rap show hosted by Nasa- because I know I’ll see a ton of familiar faces.

A rare 2010 appearance at a rap show. Can you find me in
the crowd? I look less enthusiastic than Paul...
Photography: Victoria Holt

It's helped that so many people from the scene are also Paul's clients. So I often run into them in my kitchen. And since Paul mixes and masters their albums in the other room (and that involves listening to songs over and over again), I become reaalllly familiar with their music. So when I go to a show now, I can almost always sing along to the rapper's hook or chorus.

I've also made it a point to get to know rapper’s wives and girlfriends. The rap world is a bit of a boy’s club. Big surprise. And they pretty much only talk about rap. So I source out the other ladies to chat about non-music things. We do rap double dates too, because then we can all chat about general life stuff. I like the behind-the-scenes look into rap lives, especially when they're married. It's nice to be able to relate, ya know?

It may have taken six years and I might not look like I belong, but I’m beginning to feel part of the rap community. Especially since I've started this blog, I'm not just Willie's wife, I'm also known for Rappers In My Kitchen. Paul slipped so easily into my world, but it takes a little longer for a girly-girl to find her place in a rap world.